Sunday Stroll (April 26th 2009)

Jakarta, 09.00 P.M.

It's been quite some time since the last time I write something, and now I'll write about what I just did today...

After a blasted array of inhumanly merciless exams of Humaniora bloc, I managed to spend some time to take a nice walk around the city to relieve my tension… Well, not literally walking around since walking around at noon in 32-34^oC temperature would be a futile attempt of stress-relieving…

Anyway, since my younger sister has just finished her High School National Exams and she would like to eat some delicious treats, we went to Pacific Place, a mall combined with Ritz-Carlton Hotel Jakarta, where most of the things inside I wouldn’t bother to take a look due to the highly tagged prices. We went there only for one reason: Pancious ^^

Pancious is, well, a pancake restaurant. The name came from “Pancake” and “Delicious” combined in a unique way… but what matters the most here is the taste, not the name. Indeed it’s expensive, but the pancakes are worth the money we spent. Simply delicious. Even the standard, butter + maple syrup pancake/waffle tastes soooo good ^^.
They serve other creatively combined pancake and waffle delicacies, like waffle-ice cream, pancake-cheesecake, burger pancake, omelet pancake/waffle, etc… but no Dolphin Pancakes though ^^. They’re all look delicious, but my wallet keeps me from buying them… I’d just go with a standard pancake, because I’d rather spent my Rp 42.000,00 (about ¥400) for 4 jars of Mr.Color Paint than for 2 pieces of pancake with a vanilla ice cream and few blueberries or oreo chunks… Ah that reminds me, I haven’t made any progress on my Sinanju… Please be patient, Sinanju. I’ll resume on working your arms & legs as soon as I have more time to spend…

After costly dining at Pancious (I envy my sister. She seems to eat A LOT but gains weight a little to none…) we just stroll around the mall & laughing at the ridiculously expensive dress and shoes they got there… and how could these people with too much money bought a pair of shoes that costs even more than 2 PG Astray while right outside, there’s still people struggling to get food as a daily basis.

along the way I came across this book on a bookstore: "Full Frontal PR [Public Relations]"

so this book would like to teach us how to be a Public Relations like Full Frontal, eh? Enforce yourself with Sinanju, and slice everyone who's not listening to you... quite an effective way to be a good public relations... ^^

Then, before we went home, we came across a local supermarket that sells some imported goods. I remember Danny’s article about Snyder’s of Hanover Pretzels and soon I began the hunt ^^.

After some time, I found the LAST Snyder’s they have… And it’s on SALE (maybe 50% off, I don’t know exactly but the other items on the section was on “buy 1 get 1” promo), so I decided to loot it due to curiosity ^^. It’s expensive (for me). Costs about 3 Mr.Color paints, and it’s the on sale price? Then the real price would cost the same as 6 Mr.Color paints! Damn all the taxes… Money from tax in Indonesia most likely ends up in our corrupt government. All the political bullshit to rationalize their actions of gaining wealth, self-supplying and self-fattening makes me sick.

Well, this post has no intentions to criticize politics or other heavy things, I’ll just continue… Next is a funny pic...

Same item for different species ^^

Next up is the nostalgic sector of the supermarket… they sell traditional Indonesian snacks, toys, and almost-extinct sweets like these:

Warung-style goodies! Ahh... those sweets brings back memories...

My childhood snacks are here! ^^

Charlee and the chocolate Factory ^^

It’s almost 10 years since the last time I had a cigarette-candy, or “lizard eggs” (“telor cicak” – that’s how we used to call the multicolored, smarties-like, candies in Bogor, I guess)^^ sweets, or Charlee gums… brings back memories back from my elementary school days, where everything seems to be fun (“God’s in His heaven, All’s right with the world” ^^)… These items should be cheap – almost as cheap as dirt, since a whole package of cigarette candy should cost no more than Rp 500 (¥4.5) at the local market – but since it’s entered the mall, the price increases over tenfold. What a way to gain profit…

That’s all for today, now I need to get back to work. Medskills, TEMILNAS research, and AtmaSEARCH activities are waiting…

I’m still in high spirits of attending Medical Faculty, even though the Humaniora bloc has blasted my motivations… I just can’t see the correlations of memorizing to the letter from the book of Ethics, or understanding the crappy outdated way of thinking from the Church, and being a good doctor… I personally think that religion doesn’t take part in morals and ethics of a good doctor, or good people.

There are many good people without religions, as well as there are a lot more indecent people with religion.

Ninth Entry: Holiday

LOG 8
April 10, 2009

part 1: free from humanity
It's easter holiday here, at last I can take some rest from Humaniora studies at campus. The medical education unit arranges a curriculum that aims to make us, 1st year med students, to be more humanistic, caring, and empathic towards people... what they don't know is that the curriculum of Humaniora makes the students- or at the very least, me - to be less human. Literally, since I feel apathy towards humanity issues are better than "save the people, save the world" approach...

and what disgust me most is that we need to study "Religion" and Civics. go to hell, all politics and bureaucracies! even the Church itself is a politic-mongering power with "divine intervention" disguise...

my spirit to be a doctor weakened a little because of this curriculum. Practically all things to be learned from this curriculum is useless, except the Biomedical Ethics and Culture Studies. I decided to attend medical faculty to help people with my talents - NOT to "Serve God" or "Serve this pathetic country"... I don't believe in God, and I don't respect nor trust politicians in my country. period.

I miss the Molecular Biology, Physiology, and even Biochemistry...

part 2: Election
I'll just cut it short: I hate the democracy system in this country. I want to kill all the politicians in this country who wanted the position at Legislative for their OWN sake, i.e. they will definitely CORRUPT - thus, they don't need to be elected, but ELIMINATED, permanently.

part 3: *GUNPLA* ^^
after all the negatively-charged issues above, here comes the balance of my Chi, source of my positive energy :D (sorry for the exaggeration ^^)

finally I managed to spend some time on my beloved beautiful Sinanju.
This MG kit is awesome! Loads of runners and decals, the most complicated (and the most expensive) GUNPLA I have up to now. I'll definitely took my time on building this babe, as she'll be my masterpiece...

up till now, I made little or no flaws in cutting and sanding, but painting is a bit difficult. All those curves and "embroidery" linings doesn't come in separate parts, so I need to put a lot of effort into details... I tried to use Testors Metal red + Tamiya detailing brush for the chest "embroidery", the results was pretty satisfactory but it took 4 hours of regulating respiration rate and staring intently at the part I want to paint while my cerebellum is desperately trying to balance-control the movements of my brushing hand... my hand ended up cramping all night long...

anyway, here's the current progress of my Sinanju:






Kinda reminds me of Alpha Azieru...



Sinanju is truly beautiful, isn't she? ^^


*note:
custom parts used:
AKO Creation stencil decal #13
AKO Creation Metal Energy cable medium

colors used:
Tamiya Acrylic - Metallic Grey, Metallic Blue, Black, Royal Blue
Mr. Color - Metal Black, Burnt Iron, Character Red, Gold
Humbrol Acrylic - Gun Metal
Testors - Metallic Red


***** Happy Gunpla-Building!!! *****
End of Log 8

Eighth Entry: Spilling Bee

LOG 8
March 20, 2009

“Under heavy fire! Repeat, under heavy fire! Falling back and holding position at checkpoint Alpha. Need reinforcement ASAP. Over and out.”

I’m under heavy fire from incoming events, assignments, and current studies, and am considering to fall back to apathy-mode...

I don’t know how, but all of a sudden I got all these lot of job on upcoming events, a higher position in my organization, and assigned in a national research contest. It’s not that I’m making a fuss about it, but… I just want spill out what I feel about this. And sorting them out by writing this log. It’s gonna be a really long post…

First, to understand what I’m in, I need to make a list of jobs that I got. Here goes:

- Committee Head of Advanced Cardiac Life Support (ACLS) – consists of two classes, 1st class on May and 2nd class on September or November. 1st class will be held on May 22nd-24th, Open registration on March 25th until April 20th. Preparations ready for the 1st class, general meeting on March 23rd, and promotional posters will be spread to nearby Medical Faculty on 25th. More details on the next post...

- Coordinator of Science & Education Division of AtmaSEARCH. SE Div has 3 major routine activities: Litview, PF, and my newly announced Case Study. As an organization that moves around research activities and scientific purposes, one might consider the activities of AS are “heavy” or “hardcore” or “utterly prodigal” depending on one’s point of view. Indeed it’s brain-exhausting, but I found myself to be somewhat attached to this organization and the atmosphere is quite comfortable. But yes, needless to say, being a Coordinator doubles your experience of exhaustion than “just” exhausting.

o Litview – due on April. Maybe on the 2nd week. Now prepping my presentation of new rules of litview. Another homework to do…
o PF – due on May ("not May again…"), 2nd or 3rd week, depends on the situation :D. Still haven’t thought much of it, but I need to make it interesting… Hecting and other Emergency skills (Tracheostomy, anyone?) comes to mind… still far from realization though.
o Case study – concepts are now completed. Need to start prepping the test-run. It’s basically like a simulation of a clinical case based on case reports or something like that. Preparations will totally exhaust the “Pathfinder Team” since they need to make scenario, data, presentation, handouts, event planning, and consult them to a valid & reliable doctor… more details of this *interesting* activity will come soon, but my goal on creating this is to provide AS members a decent way of thinking on facing clinical cases, so we’ll be prepared when we face our clinical phase.

- Committee Head of Med E-Search 2009 – an activity of AS held in August/September, or as soon as we have new members from the freshman class. The goal is to give AS new members a heads up, tips, and skills to search and basic-appraise medical literatures such as journals and articles. Med E-Search is under direct responsibilities of Science & Education division. It’s been a *tragic* tradition that the Coordinator of SE Div = Med E-Search Committee Head.
“noo… not another committee head… *sigh*”

- Coordinator of Utilities of Medskills 2009 – held on 1st week of May, Medskills is a kind of workshop/training of – as the name implies –medical skills for Medical Students of former curriculum (now, the main target is the class of 2005 since class of 2004 is now going on the clinical phase). The goal is to prepare the old-curriculum Students for clinical phase or at least, the OSCE test. Unlike us, the students of old curricula have never had training of medical skills before. Some of them even can’t do percussion techniques! (we were taught the percussion skills since 2nd semester)
Back to topic, it’s not really much of a job for now, since Utilities will prove what they’re worth on days prior to the show. It will be REALLY TIRING to carry 52+ Mannequins from 3rd floor of Building A, go down and take them up to the 4th floor of Building B with only 4 members including me!

- Member of Publication & Documentation of Science Fair – held somewhere on 2009. Back when I was high school, I always get the job in Documentations Division of any events on my school (Canisius College! The best All-boys School in Indonesia! …or so we think~). It’s quite a simple job, since all you need to have is a camera, and all you need to do is to take pictures of the events, listen to all your buddies’ narcisstic needs, and you can get pics of cute girls with an excuse of “being a committee” :D. But here, they combined PUBLICATION with DOCUMENTATION. Means, the member - like me - need to make posters, handouts, fliers, banners, committee name tags, etc, AND take the pictures of the events. Twice the job, twice the weight. Four times the tiresomeness...

- AtmaSEARCH delegation of TEMILNAS 2009 – starts on June 29th ‘till August 3rd. It’s an event where research-oriented organizations from Medical Faculty throughout the country send their delegates to compete their skills on researching, scientific poster-making, and essay-writing. Ridiculously, all participants must PAY 1.500.000 excluding transport in order to participate. Where should I look for the money that much??! I bought Sinanju which is half of the fee with my 8-months worth of savings!
("I'm planning on robbing a bank now. Any suggestions on where and when? Seems like the TEMILNAS Committee wants their participants to have some criminal skills as an addition to researching and medical skills...")

I’m excited, challenged, afraid, and angry at the same time.
Excited because this is my first participation on a national-scale competition, pretty much like when I was participating the Contest at Atmajaya as a participant from Canisius College about a year ago.

Challenged because I want AtmaSEARCH to be *at least* the finalist – to be specific, I want MY piece that brought AS to the finals! :D – or even win the competition.

Afraid because I realized that it’s not only MY name that I’m betting here, but also my partners from AS, AS itself, and even the University, and I know that I’m SUCK at public presentation and I lack knowledge since I’m still a 1st-year Med Student!!! See how slim my chances for winning? or even to make it through to the finals?

Angry because… well, everything. Now any subtle things can annoy me like hell, and I feel my limbic system is overly charged or overstimulated. From a little mismatch with my research partner, the ridiculous cost of participation in TEMILNAS that I need to pay, the monopoly of internet connection in the house (so I need to use CDMA modem and again it costs me money), the unethically abstractive and confusing studies of ethics, religion, culture, and logic…

It’s been months since I had a good sleep, and I slept only for 2 hours or so in the past few weeks, I don’t even dream since last week, I’m tired of getting into meetings until dawn and discussing trivial and important matters for hours, or studying about ethics I can’t comprehend and religion I no longer believe in, and I’m really really ANNOYED when people keep chasing me and telling me what to do!

*** Medical Intermezzo: Researches proved that REM phase during sleep is responsible for what people remember as “dreaming”. On REM phase, muscle tones are low but brain activity is as high as conscious state. It is speculated that REM phase is a way for CNS cells to keep themselves healthy and working, and recalibrating synapses to maximize the process of learning. Elder people has lower frequency of REM phase during their sleep, as opposed to the high frequencies of REM Sleep in newborns and infants whose brain is still under rapid development. Researchers conclude that lack of REM sleep in adults causes emotional fluctuation, irritating behavior, and even psycho-somatic sickness due to the decreasing chance for brain to refresh.***

~I need to take a break…
seriously, I need to be less serious…

but I can’t let that happen, since I’m responsible to these lot of jobs & activities, and I can only literally rest when they are all finished, because I promised and I WILL see through all these jobs that they are DONE perfectly well.

So I guess, I’ll just calm myself down and get back to work ASAP. Stuff all these emotions back in the box like usual and I should be fine – for the time being… I’m lucky it’s not an overflow of memories about ‘someone’ I kept inside and I don’t intend to let her out. If she broke loose, I’d be in a mental retardation state by now~

Now.. what needs to be done is to properly regain my physical health… any suggestions? Don’t say “REST” since I don’t have time for that…


End of LOG 8

Seventh Entry

LOG 7
March 2, 2009

Remember the "she" I mentioned on the post earlier?

I met her today. I just saw her this morning, to be precise, I don't know if she noticed me too or not.

Damn. I don't have feelings and urges towards her as strong as before but the memories are still fresh in my mind. How we used to chat from midnight until morning. How we used to eat in a restaurant, order few foods and drinks ("few" here isn't exactly few. she eats a lot ^^) and spend most of the time talking and laughing, then after almost 5 hours non-stop chatting the waitress kindly "forced" us out of our seat and continue chatting elsewhere ^^.
How she used to cheer me up when I'm gloomy. How I tried my best to impress her but end up looking clumsy. How she respond to my changing moods. How I react to her decision to be undecisive and wants everyone (literally, everyone) to be happy. How she became upset when I told her that it's TOTALLY IMPOSSIBLE and countered me that I should not view the world as black and white. How I started to realize the colors of the world - and now reduced back into grayscale.
Or when she used to laugh loudly in her room - so loud that I, who was still half asleep in my room, fell from the bed. How I used to sit on the roof at night, waiting for her to return home after attending a college preparation class at BTG. Or how lonely I feel when she returned to her hometown with her dazzling Starlet. Or how her face looked like when she's upset, confused, happy, surprised. Her face before making a decision, and after she decided to not decide ^^. How her voice changes when we talked about something serious. And her scent. I used to know if she's around me by the scent. It's not that she stinks but I just know her scent. Can't be pheromone since anyone else doesn't notice. Doesn't work well these lately though. Maybe her scent has changed. Or maybe I'm the one who has changed. Or both of us. Whatever it is, it should be connected with our current nearly-diminished realtionship... How her face looked like when she gave me my first chocolate from a girl on Valentine's day... and how I end up photographing the chocolate and put them on a "shrine" on my table...

Enough of this. I don't want to remember that anymore.

After a tiresome Pleno Meeting today, and my worries because my sister is now in a hospital and my dad is sick - and both of them show the symptoms of Dengue Fever, I just need something that clear my mind up. Not more of those nostalgic memories!

I'm a fan of Techno and New Age music anyways, so I'll listen to them and dance all night (like I used to do when I was waiting for her ~ ARRRGH!)... The memories aren't as overwhelming as it used to be but now it's PESKY as hell!

anyways, tonight I'll listen to some DJ Sammy, "Ray of Light", Gorillaz, and something new: Hatsune Miku. Yep, that's the Vocaloid Hatsune Miku.
This one is wonderful for new-age / techno listeners who want a refreshing tune: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3L0g7GBVPLA

Miku's electronic voice (an artificial voice works really good on techno / new age) and the upbeat but soothing mix, carries me away.. and matches my nostalgic mood somehow... Info for those who doesn't know, Miku Hatsune is an icon of Vocaloid, a kind of artificial voice software. That means, you can make a song without any singer by filling inputs such as lyrics, notes, beat, etc. Then let the software process it for you, and voila! A song with Miku's voice completed! It's way more complicated than "Microsoft Sam" computer voice for handicapped users...

found Miku at dannychoo.com
** Danny Choo's Otaku side of the Force is strong. I can't imagine how a Stormtrooper has a huge influence of the Force like a Jedi... Ai no Corrida! ^^ **
some danny action here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7X9MQi7uOU
he's a one lucky bastard ^^

Sixth Entry

LOG 6
March 1, 2009

I know it’s Monday, but I’ll fill the log with what happened yesterday, Sunday. Some sub-topics will be present, because there are three major things that stuck on my head… here we go:

1) Sunday Morning

Yesterday was one of the days when I became suddenly nostalgic and remember the past as clearly as watching the laptop screen. Particularly, I became MOST nostalgic of the times when I was 1st grade of high school (or 10th grade). It’s the first time I had to live without my parents around because I continued my study to Jakarta, and my families were still in Bogor. I was really excited and happy, but when it comes to do everything (literally, everything) alone, I feel it’s kinda hard and tough.. To make it worse, my grades aren’t that good: I barely managed to get the minimum achievement score (7.0), and it was also the first time since I’ve known Biology that I scored 7.0. Back when I was junior high in Bogor, I always get above 9.0 in Biology. So I must say that it’s a big, depressing hit for me. Add my lack of social skills and reclusive nature, I feel lonely most of the time.

It all changed on a Sunday morning. “She” came to my life – oops, I mean, came to my room, hands me over a piece of cake, and asked me to celebrate her birthday with the others. “She” is 2 years older than me, was a 3rd grader (12th grader) of a different school from me (my school was an all-boys) and she has the figure of a “good elder sister” though she’s shorter than me. What impressed me most was her personality. She was talkative, brilliant, cheerful, laughs REALLY loud, optimistic, and she always lighten up any gloomy situations. Not to mention that she’s quite beautiful (beauty is a matter of personal preference) and has a nice body, she EATS A LOT. ^^ She eats more than me, who is a big eater at that time (now my portion is about half of what I used to eat – I could eat up to 6 slices of medium-size pan pizza when I was on junior high, now I’m content with 2-3 slices. On the other hand, she can eat a whole large-size pizza. And somehow retains that slender body. I’m jealous!!)

Starting from that Sunday, I often spend my time with her. Just talking, chatting about trivial things, share our experience, laugh at my clumsy and bad jokes, and sometimes the both of us just sit on the couch in silence. I can’t open up myself in other people, hence I can’t talk a lot with others, but I can easily talk, chat, and share from dusk till dawn with her. My feelings for her started to change from respect and admiration, to something else. To cut it short, I loved her.

This is where all problems began. Love always bring trouble. Again, to make it short, I screwed things up and ended my close relationship with her. Not that it went with explosive outburst of anger and fight, but it just ended in silence. On another gloomy Sunday, 2 years since that “first” Sunday, I decided to “end” our close relationship (she ‘loved’ me in a different way: She considered me as her “cute” another little brother - I hate it when somebody considers me as “cute”.) because it’s affecting me too much and I need to be independent (from that Sunday up to the next 8 months I shared ALL my anxiety, fear, and anything else with her – and I always need her to cheer me up, and that’s BAD). Then again, my decision was a bit wrong since I missed her even more and I screw my school further, and finally my scores were that bad that I had to repeat the class. All because I can’t keep my rationality and most importantly, control my feelings.

Now our relationship is just a mere shadow of what it used to be. I didn’t feel the “pain” when I look at her or her photos like I used to feel, sometime after the “gloomy” Sunday. I learn from my mistakes. Now that I know that emotions and love is distractive and destructive, I’ll keep their concentration inside me as low as possible. I will never trust anyone so easily. Patience and objectivity should be a part of me that I must train more. She made me what I am now. Thanks for giving me a really valuable thing to learn, bee. See you soon. Next time we spend another time to chat I will not be your weak, clingy, and foolish “little brother”.

~ I remembered something I made when I was in vain after my “defeat”…
“But things just get so crazy, living life gets hard to do. I would gladly hit the road, get up, and go if I knew, that someday it would lead me back to you. That someday it would lead me back to you. You may not know that maybe all I need. In darkness she is all I see. Come and rest your bones with me. Dying slow on Sunday Morning, and I’ll never want to live.” [adapted from Maroon 5’s Sunday Morning]

2) Sunday Stroll – Spent my afternoon walking down the mall. I just observe anything happened around me. Some of the notable ones are these:
a. Wearing without thinking

Found someone wearing a black T-Shirt with a writing that reads out like this, “FUCK FOR YOUR LOVE”.

Judging by his appearance, his attitude, and the T-Shirt he’s wearing, I can conclude that he’s not a smart or educated person. He seems to be PROUD with his T-Shirt and frequently emphasizes his “FUCK FOR YOUR LOVE” sentence on his T-Shirt to his buddy who looked as dumb as he is, and said the F-word quite a lot.

Literally, the sentence is a total disaster. What does the sentence mean? Unclear. It could mean, “One should FUCK for one’s LOVE”, or “Go to Hell with your Love / I don't care for your Love”, or “FUCK is a thing we should do to get LOVE”, or simply a sentence made by an un-educated person who wants to look cool by acting or trying to speak like western people WITHOUT giving any regard to the meaning. Funny. All human was given a brain, but why is there only so few who uses their brain?

If I could do anything I want at that time, I’d rip his brain off and give it to someone who needs one. Maybe I’ll transplant them to an anenchepalic baby who was born (literally) without brain. The point is, the guy (erranda: read "guy" as "idiot") does not deserve to have a functional brain since he doesn't bother to use it. It's a shame that I couldn't photograph or record a video of the guy and his friend.

b. Never put your car in Valet Parking’s hands

Or at least, never trust your car to Valet Parking in Indonesia. On the way back home, I walked around the parking lot. On the 2nd floor of the parking lot, there’s a reserved area only for Valet Parking. For those who doesn’t familiar with the term, Valet Parking is a kind of service available at malls or clubs, where you can definitely get a parking space to park your car by “lending” your car to the Valet Parking assistant. Just give the keys to the assistant, and he’ll park your car for you. When you’re done shopping, use the Car Call station and he’ll bring you back your car from the parking lot... and also the keys ^^. Sounds quite nice, isn’t it?

Yesterday, I saw MOST of the cars parked on the Valet Parking Area are turned on, and inside, the assistants are using the car’s stereo and air conditioning to relax without the owner’s permission. Some of them even brought their girlfriends INSIDE the car to ENJOY themselves in the luxurious car. They seem oblivious to the fact that the car they were using was NOT their car and they have NO RIGHTS to spend fuel and energy of the car since they DO NOT OWN it. They are supposed to bring the car to the parking space, and then return the car to the rightful owner. They are paid for that, nothing more. By using the car as if the car was theirs, they earned what they DON’T deserve.
Despite the relatively high rate of “accidentally” stolen cars or missing car audio on cars, or the nearly 100% risk of your car being used by the assistant as it was his car, underwent Valet Parking service in Indonesia, a lot of people still use the service. Oh people~

End of LOG 6

Fifth Entry - [*]

LOG 5
Feb 27, 2009

I'll just put what I put on my facebook note here. When I feel like it, I'll write more about my life - past and present, my way of thinking, and things that make me what I am on other entry.

"you reap what you sow" has been a popular quotation.. if you bring bad things around, or do indecent things to others, the bad or indecent things will come back at you. Otherwise, if you do good things to others, you'll also receive good things. “Law of Karma”, “Law of Action-and-Reaction” has pretty much the same core.
Some incident occurred not so long ago reminds me of that quotation, and also a bit of my past that made me what I am. On the incident, a poor guy finally "harvest" what he had sown. It's nothing good, so you'll get the idea of what happened to him if you apply the quote & its meaning. It’s also disturbing to remember the thought from my past, flowing back from the grave (from my Unconscious Mind to be exact, and I’ve repressed them for years. I just got Freud lesson this morning ^^).

A little background story. Back in junior high, I was this kinda weird, enthusiastic boy. Though I'm not that sociable, I still have a very positive view of the world. I can trust people easier than I am now, and I was way more talkative. But still, I don’t have that many friends. It’s true that I had a bad temper, but I could control my anger much better than when I was on 6th grade. Basically, I don't want to be hated by others, but I don't bother to get close to others either. Especially to befriend those athletic, popular, good-looking guys who formed a “gang”. It's not because I hate them, but I just don’t feel comfortable around people. We had different idealism anyways. And I did nothing about that. If the quote applies, I should receive NOTHING since I did NOTHING. That’s what I want. I don’t do any harm to others, and I want others to do no harm to me. Don’t bother me because I won’t bother you. Simple and fair deal. But in the end, what did I get? Pretty much the same like what happened to the poor guy on the incident. Others look down on me, condemned me, viewed me as a haughty, bothersome brat because I don’t want to join or cooperate with their “gang”, and put me on seclusion. To make it more painful, all started because I stood for my acquaintance who got bullied and I refused to be used by other people. And the ones I helped turned their backs on me. Since then, I swear to myself that I should calculate events more correctly, think more objective, and I should never let my guards down. My hatred towards those sociable, athletic, good-looking, and popular guys and anyone alike them, started from that point. From that day, I began to doubt humanity and pity socialization. At first, I hate myself for being different than the others. After some time, I figured that I was not the only one at fault, but THOSE PEOPLE too. And I hate them even more than I hate myself because the society LOVED them more and refuse to see their ugly, pitiful side. I started to question this concept of being a proper human that everyone else believed in. I don’t want to make myself sound heroic on the story – in fact, I hate heroes and I’ve always been on the “dark” side – but I need to put the background of my way of thinking and reasoning on the topic.

Now about the incident. Well it’s true that I definitely NOT on the side of this poor guy – he got what he deserved, and apparently he hasn’t changed much since grade school, and I did have a past grudges with him, so I admit that I felt happy that something miserable happened to him (I also admit that I have something wrong in my conscience) – but I can say that I’m not on the side of the “Opposing Force” either. True that this poor guy did bad things to you, guys of the opposing force. True again that you guys should do what you did to this poor guy. And it’s still true that you guys did the right thing. Indeed, you guys DID the RIGHT THING! But I will never side with you guys. You guys think, act, and do just like my enemies from the past. You guys never look into yourselves. It’s not about what you did to the poor guy, it’s because you guys do it before you guys take a good look on yourselves.

You hate this poor guy because he talked bad behind you. You guys did just the same. You guys put an ugly picture of the poor guy, wrote all his “crimes” and made them public so everyone could condemn him too. Since there’s so much of you, you guys united to fight off the poor bastard which is a single man. Repeat, A SINGLE MAN. Against the lot of you. You guys are pathetic just like him. You guys screamed out at him to be more like a man, but you guys fight in numbers. Against one target. Your grudges against him are all PERSONAL, why make it go public?

You’re all a bunch of guys who has the “power” and influence in your community. You guys are all loved by the rest of your community. You guys are idols, the ones given acclaim as admired people from the society. You guys feel like you are the heroes. The right ones. The good ones. The normal ones. Because of that, you feel like you have the right and power to put justice on anyone you consider heretic. The weird ones. The eccentric ones. The unsociable ones. And you’re all proud to punish the heretic.You guys said that OTHER PEOPLE can never FEEL what you guys FEEL because OTHER PEOPLE did not became the poor guy’s targets. True. But you guys can never FEEL what it is like to be the poor guy.

You guys never taste the bitter fact that everyone around look down on you. You guys never taste the loneliness of someone condemned by his society. You guys never know what it feels like to be WEIRD. To be HERETIC. To be ABNORMAL. To be the DREGS of the society. Yet you guys put judgement on this poor guy so easily.

The same types of you guys put their judgement on ME, back then, pretty much the same way like you recently did. I’m sad that people like you guys exist everywhere. I met your types even in CC, where friendship bonds with brotherhood. I’m enraged to know what you did and the way you do your things because it reminds me of my past. I’m disgusted to know that you guys – anywhere and whoever you are – never change. And you guys still expect the poor guy to change.

I don’t intend to judge you guys the way you brought judgement to the poor guy, but I’ll definitely take different measures in certain circumstances. Just for you guys to know, you’re all not much better than the poor guy you despise so much. And I’m not much better than you are.

You guys may take my note as nothing, or something offensive to your so-called pride, or some reference to change yourselves. Well, I don’t expect you guys to change (I doubt your types’ capability to change), so I don’t expect much from you. Whatever choice you guys take, it’s yours. Don’t regret them once you pick them. As for me, I just want to live peacefully with as minimal disturbance as possible. Should you guys chose war, again, it’s your choice.

"you don't exactly reap what you sow - sometimes more, sometimes less. and some other times, it's totally different than what you sow"

End of LOG 5

Fourth Entry

LOG 4
Feb 19, 2009

Getting tired easily from daily activities. More assignments and meetings ahead. I just can't help but thinking, how am I suppose to spare my time for my own health? I had time to jog, do some weight training, or even run 5k when I was in high school. Now... I barely had time to have some stretching. Last august, I could climb to 8th level using stairs without much effort. Now I got exhausted on 5th level. Seems my cardiac capabilities are horribly worsening. To make it worse, my weight has been increasing steadily since last october. Combine less physical activity with increasing frequency of snacking, this is what you get. Though my waist size hasn't changed much (currently I'm 76kg, trousers size still less than 35 - when I was on 11th grade, I weighed 80kg and wore size 38 trousers!) but this pile of fat on my belly is pretty threatening.

Time to get back into shape. I want to restore myself to its former physical glory ^^. Well I used to run 5 km in 35-40 minutes back when I was 12th grader (treadmills 2-3 times a week)... Starting tomorrow, I'll strictly follow my diet plans. Cardio sports should come as soon as I can spare more time on the next block. For next couple of weeks, I'll increase my morning exercises.

I lost 8 kg in 6 months back then on high school, and I think I can manage to lose 4-5 kg in the next 6 months. College is way busier than high school, so I don't put so much of a target. I need to be realistic!

Hopefully, this project shall refresh my mind from all distractive noises of medical school clutter... Good luck to me!


End of LOG4