Fifth Entry - [*]

LOG 5
Feb 27, 2009

I'll just put what I put on my facebook note here. When I feel like it, I'll write more about my life - past and present, my way of thinking, and things that make me what I am on other entry.

"you reap what you sow" has been a popular quotation.. if you bring bad things around, or do indecent things to others, the bad or indecent things will come back at you. Otherwise, if you do good things to others, you'll also receive good things. “Law of Karma”, “Law of Action-and-Reaction” has pretty much the same core.
Some incident occurred not so long ago reminds me of that quotation, and also a bit of my past that made me what I am. On the incident, a poor guy finally "harvest" what he had sown. It's nothing good, so you'll get the idea of what happened to him if you apply the quote & its meaning. It’s also disturbing to remember the thought from my past, flowing back from the grave (from my Unconscious Mind to be exact, and I’ve repressed them for years. I just got Freud lesson this morning ^^).

A little background story. Back in junior high, I was this kinda weird, enthusiastic boy. Though I'm not that sociable, I still have a very positive view of the world. I can trust people easier than I am now, and I was way more talkative. But still, I don’t have that many friends. It’s true that I had a bad temper, but I could control my anger much better than when I was on 6th grade. Basically, I don't want to be hated by others, but I don't bother to get close to others either. Especially to befriend those athletic, popular, good-looking guys who formed a “gang”. It's not because I hate them, but I just don’t feel comfortable around people. We had different idealism anyways. And I did nothing about that. If the quote applies, I should receive NOTHING since I did NOTHING. That’s what I want. I don’t do any harm to others, and I want others to do no harm to me. Don’t bother me because I won’t bother you. Simple and fair deal. But in the end, what did I get? Pretty much the same like what happened to the poor guy on the incident. Others look down on me, condemned me, viewed me as a haughty, bothersome brat because I don’t want to join or cooperate with their “gang”, and put me on seclusion. To make it more painful, all started because I stood for my acquaintance who got bullied and I refused to be used by other people. And the ones I helped turned their backs on me. Since then, I swear to myself that I should calculate events more correctly, think more objective, and I should never let my guards down. My hatred towards those sociable, athletic, good-looking, and popular guys and anyone alike them, started from that point. From that day, I began to doubt humanity and pity socialization. At first, I hate myself for being different than the others. After some time, I figured that I was not the only one at fault, but THOSE PEOPLE too. And I hate them even more than I hate myself because the society LOVED them more and refuse to see their ugly, pitiful side. I started to question this concept of being a proper human that everyone else believed in. I don’t want to make myself sound heroic on the story – in fact, I hate heroes and I’ve always been on the “dark” side – but I need to put the background of my way of thinking and reasoning on the topic.

Now about the incident. Well it’s true that I definitely NOT on the side of this poor guy – he got what he deserved, and apparently he hasn’t changed much since grade school, and I did have a past grudges with him, so I admit that I felt happy that something miserable happened to him (I also admit that I have something wrong in my conscience) – but I can say that I’m not on the side of the “Opposing Force” either. True that this poor guy did bad things to you, guys of the opposing force. True again that you guys should do what you did to this poor guy. And it’s still true that you guys did the right thing. Indeed, you guys DID the RIGHT THING! But I will never side with you guys. You guys think, act, and do just like my enemies from the past. You guys never look into yourselves. It’s not about what you did to the poor guy, it’s because you guys do it before you guys take a good look on yourselves.

You hate this poor guy because he talked bad behind you. You guys did just the same. You guys put an ugly picture of the poor guy, wrote all his “crimes” and made them public so everyone could condemn him too. Since there’s so much of you, you guys united to fight off the poor bastard which is a single man. Repeat, A SINGLE MAN. Against the lot of you. You guys are pathetic just like him. You guys screamed out at him to be more like a man, but you guys fight in numbers. Against one target. Your grudges against him are all PERSONAL, why make it go public?

You’re all a bunch of guys who has the “power” and influence in your community. You guys are all loved by the rest of your community. You guys are idols, the ones given acclaim as admired people from the society. You guys feel like you are the heroes. The right ones. The good ones. The normal ones. Because of that, you feel like you have the right and power to put justice on anyone you consider heretic. The weird ones. The eccentric ones. The unsociable ones. And you’re all proud to punish the heretic.You guys said that OTHER PEOPLE can never FEEL what you guys FEEL because OTHER PEOPLE did not became the poor guy’s targets. True. But you guys can never FEEL what it is like to be the poor guy.

You guys never taste the bitter fact that everyone around look down on you. You guys never taste the loneliness of someone condemned by his society. You guys never know what it feels like to be WEIRD. To be HERETIC. To be ABNORMAL. To be the DREGS of the society. Yet you guys put judgement on this poor guy so easily.

The same types of you guys put their judgement on ME, back then, pretty much the same way like you recently did. I’m sad that people like you guys exist everywhere. I met your types even in CC, where friendship bonds with brotherhood. I’m enraged to know what you did and the way you do your things because it reminds me of my past. I’m disgusted to know that you guys – anywhere and whoever you are – never change. And you guys still expect the poor guy to change.

I don’t intend to judge you guys the way you brought judgement to the poor guy, but I’ll definitely take different measures in certain circumstances. Just for you guys to know, you’re all not much better than the poor guy you despise so much. And I’m not much better than you are.

You guys may take my note as nothing, or something offensive to your so-called pride, or some reference to change yourselves. Well, I don’t expect you guys to change (I doubt your types’ capability to change), so I don’t expect much from you. Whatever choice you guys take, it’s yours. Don’t regret them once you pick them. As for me, I just want to live peacefully with as minimal disturbance as possible. Should you guys chose war, again, it’s your choice.

"you don't exactly reap what you sow - sometimes more, sometimes less. and some other times, it's totally different than what you sow"

End of LOG 5