Fifth Entry - [*]

LOG 5
Feb 27, 2009

I'll just put what I put on my facebook note here. When I feel like it, I'll write more about my life - past and present, my way of thinking, and things that make me what I am on other entry.

"you reap what you sow" has been a popular quotation.. if you bring bad things around, or do indecent things to others, the bad or indecent things will come back at you. Otherwise, if you do good things to others, you'll also receive good things. “Law of Karma”, “Law of Action-and-Reaction” has pretty much the same core.
Some incident occurred not so long ago reminds me of that quotation, and also a bit of my past that made me what I am. On the incident, a poor guy finally "harvest" what he had sown. It's nothing good, so you'll get the idea of what happened to him if you apply the quote & its meaning. It’s also disturbing to remember the thought from my past, flowing back from the grave (from my Unconscious Mind to be exact, and I’ve repressed them for years. I just got Freud lesson this morning ^^).

A little background story. Back in junior high, I was this kinda weird, enthusiastic boy. Though I'm not that sociable, I still have a very positive view of the world. I can trust people easier than I am now, and I was way more talkative. But still, I don’t have that many friends. It’s true that I had a bad temper, but I could control my anger much better than when I was on 6th grade. Basically, I don't want to be hated by others, but I don't bother to get close to others either. Especially to befriend those athletic, popular, good-looking guys who formed a “gang”. It's not because I hate them, but I just don’t feel comfortable around people. We had different idealism anyways. And I did nothing about that. If the quote applies, I should receive NOTHING since I did NOTHING. That’s what I want. I don’t do any harm to others, and I want others to do no harm to me. Don’t bother me because I won’t bother you. Simple and fair deal. But in the end, what did I get? Pretty much the same like what happened to the poor guy on the incident. Others look down on me, condemned me, viewed me as a haughty, bothersome brat because I don’t want to join or cooperate with their “gang”, and put me on seclusion. To make it more painful, all started because I stood for my acquaintance who got bullied and I refused to be used by other people. And the ones I helped turned their backs on me. Since then, I swear to myself that I should calculate events more correctly, think more objective, and I should never let my guards down. My hatred towards those sociable, athletic, good-looking, and popular guys and anyone alike them, started from that point. From that day, I began to doubt humanity and pity socialization. At first, I hate myself for being different than the others. After some time, I figured that I was not the only one at fault, but THOSE PEOPLE too. And I hate them even more than I hate myself because the society LOVED them more and refuse to see their ugly, pitiful side. I started to question this concept of being a proper human that everyone else believed in. I don’t want to make myself sound heroic on the story – in fact, I hate heroes and I’ve always been on the “dark” side – but I need to put the background of my way of thinking and reasoning on the topic.

Now about the incident. Well it’s true that I definitely NOT on the side of this poor guy – he got what he deserved, and apparently he hasn’t changed much since grade school, and I did have a past grudges with him, so I admit that I felt happy that something miserable happened to him (I also admit that I have something wrong in my conscience) – but I can say that I’m not on the side of the “Opposing Force” either. True that this poor guy did bad things to you, guys of the opposing force. True again that you guys should do what you did to this poor guy. And it’s still true that you guys did the right thing. Indeed, you guys DID the RIGHT THING! But I will never side with you guys. You guys think, act, and do just like my enemies from the past. You guys never look into yourselves. It’s not about what you did to the poor guy, it’s because you guys do it before you guys take a good look on yourselves.

You hate this poor guy because he talked bad behind you. You guys did just the same. You guys put an ugly picture of the poor guy, wrote all his “crimes” and made them public so everyone could condemn him too. Since there’s so much of you, you guys united to fight off the poor bastard which is a single man. Repeat, A SINGLE MAN. Against the lot of you. You guys are pathetic just like him. You guys screamed out at him to be more like a man, but you guys fight in numbers. Against one target. Your grudges against him are all PERSONAL, why make it go public?

You’re all a bunch of guys who has the “power” and influence in your community. You guys are all loved by the rest of your community. You guys are idols, the ones given acclaim as admired people from the society. You guys feel like you are the heroes. The right ones. The good ones. The normal ones. Because of that, you feel like you have the right and power to put justice on anyone you consider heretic. The weird ones. The eccentric ones. The unsociable ones. And you’re all proud to punish the heretic.You guys said that OTHER PEOPLE can never FEEL what you guys FEEL because OTHER PEOPLE did not became the poor guy’s targets. True. But you guys can never FEEL what it is like to be the poor guy.

You guys never taste the bitter fact that everyone around look down on you. You guys never taste the loneliness of someone condemned by his society. You guys never know what it feels like to be WEIRD. To be HERETIC. To be ABNORMAL. To be the DREGS of the society. Yet you guys put judgement on this poor guy so easily.

The same types of you guys put their judgement on ME, back then, pretty much the same way like you recently did. I’m sad that people like you guys exist everywhere. I met your types even in CC, where friendship bonds with brotherhood. I’m enraged to know what you did and the way you do your things because it reminds me of my past. I’m disgusted to know that you guys – anywhere and whoever you are – never change. And you guys still expect the poor guy to change.

I don’t intend to judge you guys the way you brought judgement to the poor guy, but I’ll definitely take different measures in certain circumstances. Just for you guys to know, you’re all not much better than the poor guy you despise so much. And I’m not much better than you are.

You guys may take my note as nothing, or something offensive to your so-called pride, or some reference to change yourselves. Well, I don’t expect you guys to change (I doubt your types’ capability to change), so I don’t expect much from you. Whatever choice you guys take, it’s yours. Don’t regret them once you pick them. As for me, I just want to live peacefully with as minimal disturbance as possible. Should you guys chose war, again, it’s your choice.

"you don't exactly reap what you sow - sometimes more, sometimes less. and some other times, it's totally different than what you sow"

End of LOG 5

Fourth Entry

LOG 4
Feb 19, 2009

Getting tired easily from daily activities. More assignments and meetings ahead. I just can't help but thinking, how am I suppose to spare my time for my own health? I had time to jog, do some weight training, or even run 5k when I was in high school. Now... I barely had time to have some stretching. Last august, I could climb to 8th level using stairs without much effort. Now I got exhausted on 5th level. Seems my cardiac capabilities are horribly worsening. To make it worse, my weight has been increasing steadily since last october. Combine less physical activity with increasing frequency of snacking, this is what you get. Though my waist size hasn't changed much (currently I'm 76kg, trousers size still less than 35 - when I was on 11th grade, I weighed 80kg and wore size 38 trousers!) but this pile of fat on my belly is pretty threatening.

Time to get back into shape. I want to restore myself to its former physical glory ^^. Well I used to run 5 km in 35-40 minutes back when I was 12th grader (treadmills 2-3 times a week)... Starting tomorrow, I'll strictly follow my diet plans. Cardio sports should come as soon as I can spare more time on the next block. For next couple of weeks, I'll increase my morning exercises.

I lost 8 kg in 6 months back then on high school, and I think I can manage to lose 4-5 kg in the next 6 months. College is way busier than high school, so I don't put so much of a target. I need to be realistic!

Hopefully, this project shall refresh my mind from all distractive noises of medical school clutter... Good luck to me!


End of LOG4

Third Entry

LOG 3
Feb 17, 2009

Man~
Seems I'll get busier with each passing day ^^
Division Coordinator is a tiresome job...

Next to do on the agenda:
1) Create list of things that need to be discussed on SE Div. informal meeting next thursday/friday
* find out the members, create communications network
* SE Div. Programs on 2009/2010 Period
* New ideas (case study & argumentative skills training) & improvements on current program (litview, PF, seminars / training)
* Arrange hierarchy...

2) Find journals / articles for PBL discussion. Topic: development & growth of an infant.

3) Prepare the plans & committee members for upcoming seminars/training

4) Re-Study organogenesis (no, it's not the GENESIS Cannon from Gundam SEED ^^), nutrition & growth of infant to child, read Histology, skim through Langman's Embriology

5) Prepare the copied papers for my PBL Group members

6) Clean up the mess on the room if there's some time left

7) strengthen my mind - I can't let the alluring Sinanju took the best of my sanity ^^]

8) Regular physical exercises - now down into only few sets of sit-ups & push-ups in the morning... last year I could spare some time to jog...

studying in medical school makes you need a lot medical attention - by means, med school makes people more susceptible to sickness, both physical sickness and mental sickness... *sigh* I thought doctors are always healthy due to their education. I guess I'm wrong... Well, I'll just have to adapt.

More upcoming tests and AtmaSearch meetings on the next month... and I still have to cram the whole book of Langman's Embryology in 2-3 weeks, not to mention another dose of Holy Sobotta Atlas of Anatomy, some Sherwood's Physiology, and quite a lot journals & full-text, small-sized books of Neonatal&Pediatrics Care...

let's make a little calculation here... I have 24 hours each day, and I spent 7-8 hours at campus (sometimes 10 if there's an AtmaSearch meeting), 1-2 hours to go back home, 2 hours [gross] to bath-eat-and-daily chores, and usually I have 5-6 hours to sleep. So, I have about 7 hours to study the whole lot of Life Cycle block [anatomy, embryology, physiology, histology, etc], plan AtmaSearch activities, finish PBL & Skills Lab material, and gathering informations...

I'm sorry Sinanju... You'll have to wait until next holiday where I can spare the time needed to materialize you into this world...


End of LOG3

Second Entry

LOG 2
Feb 15, 2009

Alright. I have 3 major hobbies beside reading (reading is a must for any medical student): Airsoft guns (this is one reason why some of my friends doubt that I'm going to be a good doctor ^^), Photography (I'm not quite into photography like some of my cousins, it's just a hobby and a way to express myself), and Model Kits (currently I'm into Gundam series model kits - more of these will be posted on upcoming entries).

I don't have a good pic of my AEG, so I'll just put my two latest GUNPLA models:
** I can't put a picture on this blog, so I'll upload my pics into photobucket and put the links here ** I'll try to pull out some of my HTML knowledge, though. more to come soon! **

- 1/100 MG Wing Gundam ver. Ka (Repainted in reddish metal black, green for frames, and hull red) - I call this one as "Wing Devil"
http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb114/cryptlord_cc/My%20Wing%20Zeries/_0060051k.jpg
http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb114/cryptlord_cc/My%20Wing%20Zeries/_0060080k.jpg

- 1/100 MG Wing Zero Custom (Repainted in silver, metallic light blue, and metallic pink) -
http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb114/cryptlord_cc/My%20Wing%20Zeries/_0060065k.jpg[/IMG
http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb114/cryptlord_cc/My%20Wing%20Zeries/_0060078k.jpg


My next GUNPLA Project is 1/100 MG MSN-06S Sinanju. She's big and cost almost 50% of my savings due to the weakening of Rupiah in world currency. I'm planning to repaint it in dark colors, customize some of her weapons, and putting a nice sum of little details - all things you'll do to make a masterpiece. ^^


Oh, forgot about something important. Yesterday, when I went to a local hobby store, I met a family from other city in Indonesia. They consists of a father, a mother, and a 6-year old boy who was looking around GUNPLA boxes. He wanted the parents to buy him a Master Grade. In shock, I told the father that MGs are quite difficult even for me, a GUNPLA hobbyist since grade school. The father said, "Oh, he's used to it. He had more than 100 gundam models back home. He can even take on a Perfect grade."

In further shock, I shout inside, " WTF?! How lucky this kid is! He should be thankful of that! He has a really wealthy parents who would buy him any toy he wants - even though it's a bit over for his age.."

In contrast, I need 7 months of saving my allowance to allocate resources to buy the 7000 yen Sinanju. This 6 year old kid, he bought 13.000 yen worth of GUNPLA in one day and without thinking, and his parents doesn't even budge. "As long as he's happy," the mum said.
In further contrast, right outside the hobby store there are 4 7-year old kids singing for money to buy some food.

What a country. In his oh-so-obvious political advertisement our president said, "The number of poor people in Indonesia decreases due to 's good job of battling corruption and fighting for Indonesian people's sake." What a load of bollocks. If he consider himself as a "poor" then what he said is right: He gained a castle-like complex in his former residence, and gained a lot of fat. Just take a look at our dear president's photo from '06 and '08. Spot the difference. Should be some 20 lbs worth of fat.

OK, back to topic. Though at first I admired the kid and his family, soon as I regained myself after the astonishment, I notice some things that made me thankful that I was born in a middle-level society:
1) the kid is ANNOYINGLY SPOILED. He asked his mom, what does she think about 1/100 Gundam Virtue (costs 4000 yen). The mom answered that it's okay if he wants it, but it seems that he already had one, so isn't it a kind of waste if he bought another? Then he started crying loud and shout at his mum, "YOU ALWAYS MAKE COMMENTS WHEN I BUY GUNDAM!"
Hey, weren't YOU the one who asked opinions first?
2) Because he already had TOO MANY GUNPLA collections back at home, he can't appreciate how great it is when your parents told you that you can buy anything you want. He cried out loud on the ground because he already have most of GUNPLA sold here. Poor kid. I pity you.
3) After looking around the corner, he managed to pull out another box: 1/60 Gundam Exia (costs 4500 yen). Now this kid's looked like some serious, adult modeler, by checking up the parts and blabbing out some technical data. I'm impressed. He wants that too. The dad says alright, and bring the 2 big boxes to the counter. Then, I just can't help but trying to "test" this kiddo. I told him that Unicorn Gundam looks cool, and start to talk about it. Surprisingly, he knew about [my beloved ^^] Sinanju! But he said that Sinanju's design is bad and it's not cool (yeah, like you know anything about something cool). After I asked if he likes Unicorn, whether he has it or not, and give a little "push" - he grabbed the Unicorn box (costs 5000 yen) and bring it to the counter. The dad, still smiling, he lift the boy and praised him for his "expertise" in Gundam. Yeah right. Didn't he notice such a terrible thing? Do you?
THE KID LISTENED OBEDIENTLY TO A SUGGESTION FROM A COMPLETE STRANGER!
again, I can only pat my chest and said, "Poor kid."

okay, after action report.
- I made quite a selling at that hobby store (if I didn't give the kid the suggestion about Unicorn, they would've gotten away with only 8500 yen. thanks to me, the hobby store made a whopping 13500 yen in one day ^^)
- The kid may seem lucky to have such a rich family. But I pity him because he's so weak. Maybe not physically, but he couldn't even resist a suggestion from a stranger like me. What will he say in the future when he had grown up a little and his friends invite him to a drugs party? Not to mention his annoyingly spoiledness and inconsistency, thanks to his parents who taught him everything, but forgot to teach him how to say a simple "no". Or to made him realize that he's the one who did wrong. Based on the father's story (I talked a lot with him while the kid's crying and picking his next GUNPLA prey - lousy dad, eh?), he's rather confused by his son's attitude. Why does his beloved son loves to shout out and use inappropriate words to his parents when he's upset because of small trifling matters like picking which GUNPLA - though they have never teach him to shout at others?
It's because YOU never had the guts to tell your son that it's wrong. Come to think of it, the dad has more fat than our fatty-edematous president. LOL

Phew. that's a long story wasn't it?
I'm glad that I'm born in a family who hold pride, honor, justice, and responsibility as our main belief. We may not be rich. We don't have a big house, classy cars, or large sum of money. But we have things that others don't. "Money is not everything, Wealth is always deceiving. What matters is what's inside our hearts," my parents always said. Now that I've seen another proof how destructive wealth is - especially to the mental development of a child - I'm proud to be what I am.

To those who aren't wealthy or surrounded by misfortunes, keep your head high. Appreciate what you have now, rather than grumbling because the others 'seem' better than you are. They're not. You have the experience to make you strong to face anything the world can throw at you. I envy you guys. I'm not that strong.


End of LOG 2

First Entry

LOG 1
Feb 15, 2009.


been a long time since I made a blog. The last time was a Friendster blog, which are now deceased because I erased it since I was lacking things to put inside.

Now that I'm back in blogging, I've decided to put things that are connected to my campus life and my hobby inside this blog. It'll begin with a date just like this post, and will pretty much look like a log, since blog stands for "Web Log".

There are 2 other entries following this "introductory" entry, the theme would be "Valentine's day" and my hobby. Speaking of which, I haven't introduced myself. I'm a medical student, live in Jakarta (Indonesia), part of a family of 6: My grandpa & grandma, mom & dad, me & my sister. I like science, researches, and anything about weapons.

I'm not an "open" kind of a person, I don't trust people easily, I lack on some social skills, I'm not good at public speaking, I always use negative approach on things, I don't feel comfortable among the crowd, and I tend to keep things to myself.

Those are my views of myself, I'm not good at describing the good side of me due to my negative approach and views. One thing I can be proud of myself is because I'm not scared or hesitate to be different. In fact, I'm proud to be different.

That's all about me. Those who knew me may have different opinions, I let them judge me as they like. Now I've got to move on to my next entry.



End of LOG 1