Eighth Entry: Spilling Bee

LOG 8
March 20, 2009

“Under heavy fire! Repeat, under heavy fire! Falling back and holding position at checkpoint Alpha. Need reinforcement ASAP. Over and out.”

I’m under heavy fire from incoming events, assignments, and current studies, and am considering to fall back to apathy-mode...

I don’t know how, but all of a sudden I got all these lot of job on upcoming events, a higher position in my organization, and assigned in a national research contest. It’s not that I’m making a fuss about it, but… I just want spill out what I feel about this. And sorting them out by writing this log. It’s gonna be a really long post…

First, to understand what I’m in, I need to make a list of jobs that I got. Here goes:

- Committee Head of Advanced Cardiac Life Support (ACLS) – consists of two classes, 1st class on May and 2nd class on September or November. 1st class will be held on May 22nd-24th, Open registration on March 25th until April 20th. Preparations ready for the 1st class, general meeting on March 23rd, and promotional posters will be spread to nearby Medical Faculty on 25th. More details on the next post...

- Coordinator of Science & Education Division of AtmaSEARCH. SE Div has 3 major routine activities: Litview, PF, and my newly announced Case Study. As an organization that moves around research activities and scientific purposes, one might consider the activities of AS are “heavy” or “hardcore” or “utterly prodigal” depending on one’s point of view. Indeed it’s brain-exhausting, but I found myself to be somewhat attached to this organization and the atmosphere is quite comfortable. But yes, needless to say, being a Coordinator doubles your experience of exhaustion than “just” exhausting.

o Litview – due on April. Maybe on the 2nd week. Now prepping my presentation of new rules of litview. Another homework to do…
o PF – due on May ("not May again…"), 2nd or 3rd week, depends on the situation :D. Still haven’t thought much of it, but I need to make it interesting… Hecting and other Emergency skills (Tracheostomy, anyone?) comes to mind… still far from realization though.
o Case study – concepts are now completed. Need to start prepping the test-run. It’s basically like a simulation of a clinical case based on case reports or something like that. Preparations will totally exhaust the “Pathfinder Team” since they need to make scenario, data, presentation, handouts, event planning, and consult them to a valid & reliable doctor… more details of this *interesting* activity will come soon, but my goal on creating this is to provide AS members a decent way of thinking on facing clinical cases, so we’ll be prepared when we face our clinical phase.

- Committee Head of Med E-Search 2009 – an activity of AS held in August/September, or as soon as we have new members from the freshman class. The goal is to give AS new members a heads up, tips, and skills to search and basic-appraise medical literatures such as journals and articles. Med E-Search is under direct responsibilities of Science & Education division. It’s been a *tragic* tradition that the Coordinator of SE Div = Med E-Search Committee Head.
“noo… not another committee head… *sigh*”

- Coordinator of Utilities of Medskills 2009 – held on 1st week of May, Medskills is a kind of workshop/training of – as the name implies –medical skills for Medical Students of former curriculum (now, the main target is the class of 2005 since class of 2004 is now going on the clinical phase). The goal is to prepare the old-curriculum Students for clinical phase or at least, the OSCE test. Unlike us, the students of old curricula have never had training of medical skills before. Some of them even can’t do percussion techniques! (we were taught the percussion skills since 2nd semester)
Back to topic, it’s not really much of a job for now, since Utilities will prove what they’re worth on days prior to the show. It will be REALLY TIRING to carry 52+ Mannequins from 3rd floor of Building A, go down and take them up to the 4th floor of Building B with only 4 members including me!

- Member of Publication & Documentation of Science Fair – held somewhere on 2009. Back when I was high school, I always get the job in Documentations Division of any events on my school (Canisius College! The best All-boys School in Indonesia! …or so we think~). It’s quite a simple job, since all you need to have is a camera, and all you need to do is to take pictures of the events, listen to all your buddies’ narcisstic needs, and you can get pics of cute girls with an excuse of “being a committee” :D. But here, they combined PUBLICATION with DOCUMENTATION. Means, the member - like me - need to make posters, handouts, fliers, banners, committee name tags, etc, AND take the pictures of the events. Twice the job, twice the weight. Four times the tiresomeness...

- AtmaSEARCH delegation of TEMILNAS 2009 – starts on June 29th ‘till August 3rd. It’s an event where research-oriented organizations from Medical Faculty throughout the country send their delegates to compete their skills on researching, scientific poster-making, and essay-writing. Ridiculously, all participants must PAY 1.500.000 excluding transport in order to participate. Where should I look for the money that much??! I bought Sinanju which is half of the fee with my 8-months worth of savings!
("I'm planning on robbing a bank now. Any suggestions on where and when? Seems like the TEMILNAS Committee wants their participants to have some criminal skills as an addition to researching and medical skills...")

I’m excited, challenged, afraid, and angry at the same time.
Excited because this is my first participation on a national-scale competition, pretty much like when I was participating the Contest at Atmajaya as a participant from Canisius College about a year ago.

Challenged because I want AtmaSEARCH to be *at least* the finalist – to be specific, I want MY piece that brought AS to the finals! :D – or even win the competition.

Afraid because I realized that it’s not only MY name that I’m betting here, but also my partners from AS, AS itself, and even the University, and I know that I’m SUCK at public presentation and I lack knowledge since I’m still a 1st-year Med Student!!! See how slim my chances for winning? or even to make it through to the finals?

Angry because… well, everything. Now any subtle things can annoy me like hell, and I feel my limbic system is overly charged or overstimulated. From a little mismatch with my research partner, the ridiculous cost of participation in TEMILNAS that I need to pay, the monopoly of internet connection in the house (so I need to use CDMA modem and again it costs me money), the unethically abstractive and confusing studies of ethics, religion, culture, and logic…

It’s been months since I had a good sleep, and I slept only for 2 hours or so in the past few weeks, I don’t even dream since last week, I’m tired of getting into meetings until dawn and discussing trivial and important matters for hours, or studying about ethics I can’t comprehend and religion I no longer believe in, and I’m really really ANNOYED when people keep chasing me and telling me what to do!

*** Medical Intermezzo: Researches proved that REM phase during sleep is responsible for what people remember as “dreaming”. On REM phase, muscle tones are low but brain activity is as high as conscious state. It is speculated that REM phase is a way for CNS cells to keep themselves healthy and working, and recalibrating synapses to maximize the process of learning. Elder people has lower frequency of REM phase during their sleep, as opposed to the high frequencies of REM Sleep in newborns and infants whose brain is still under rapid development. Researchers conclude that lack of REM sleep in adults causes emotional fluctuation, irritating behavior, and even psycho-somatic sickness due to the decreasing chance for brain to refresh.***

~I need to take a break…
seriously, I need to be less serious…

but I can’t let that happen, since I’m responsible to these lot of jobs & activities, and I can only literally rest when they are all finished, because I promised and I WILL see through all these jobs that they are DONE perfectly well.

So I guess, I’ll just calm myself down and get back to work ASAP. Stuff all these emotions back in the box like usual and I should be fine – for the time being… I’m lucky it’s not an overflow of memories about ‘someone’ I kept inside and I don’t intend to let her out. If she broke loose, I’d be in a mental retardation state by now~

Now.. what needs to be done is to properly regain my physical health… any suggestions? Don’t say “REST” since I don’t have time for that…


End of LOG 8

Seventh Entry

LOG 7
March 2, 2009

Remember the "she" I mentioned on the post earlier?

I met her today. I just saw her this morning, to be precise, I don't know if she noticed me too or not.

Damn. I don't have feelings and urges towards her as strong as before but the memories are still fresh in my mind. How we used to chat from midnight until morning. How we used to eat in a restaurant, order few foods and drinks ("few" here isn't exactly few. she eats a lot ^^) and spend most of the time talking and laughing, then after almost 5 hours non-stop chatting the waitress kindly "forced" us out of our seat and continue chatting elsewhere ^^.
How she used to cheer me up when I'm gloomy. How I tried my best to impress her but end up looking clumsy. How she respond to my changing moods. How I react to her decision to be undecisive and wants everyone (literally, everyone) to be happy. How she became upset when I told her that it's TOTALLY IMPOSSIBLE and countered me that I should not view the world as black and white. How I started to realize the colors of the world - and now reduced back into grayscale.
Or when she used to laugh loudly in her room - so loud that I, who was still half asleep in my room, fell from the bed. How I used to sit on the roof at night, waiting for her to return home after attending a college preparation class at BTG. Or how lonely I feel when she returned to her hometown with her dazzling Starlet. Or how her face looked like when she's upset, confused, happy, surprised. Her face before making a decision, and after she decided to not decide ^^. How her voice changes when we talked about something serious. And her scent. I used to know if she's around me by the scent. It's not that she stinks but I just know her scent. Can't be pheromone since anyone else doesn't notice. Doesn't work well these lately though. Maybe her scent has changed. Or maybe I'm the one who has changed. Or both of us. Whatever it is, it should be connected with our current nearly-diminished realtionship... How her face looked like when she gave me my first chocolate from a girl on Valentine's day... and how I end up photographing the chocolate and put them on a "shrine" on my table...

Enough of this. I don't want to remember that anymore.

After a tiresome Pleno Meeting today, and my worries because my sister is now in a hospital and my dad is sick - and both of them show the symptoms of Dengue Fever, I just need something that clear my mind up. Not more of those nostalgic memories!

I'm a fan of Techno and New Age music anyways, so I'll listen to them and dance all night (like I used to do when I was waiting for her ~ ARRRGH!)... The memories aren't as overwhelming as it used to be but now it's PESKY as hell!

anyways, tonight I'll listen to some DJ Sammy, "Ray of Light", Gorillaz, and something new: Hatsune Miku. Yep, that's the Vocaloid Hatsune Miku.
This one is wonderful for new-age / techno listeners who want a refreshing tune: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3L0g7GBVPLA

Miku's electronic voice (an artificial voice works really good on techno / new age) and the upbeat but soothing mix, carries me away.. and matches my nostalgic mood somehow... Info for those who doesn't know, Miku Hatsune is an icon of Vocaloid, a kind of artificial voice software. That means, you can make a song without any singer by filling inputs such as lyrics, notes, beat, etc. Then let the software process it for you, and voila! A song with Miku's voice completed! It's way more complicated than "Microsoft Sam" computer voice for handicapped users...

found Miku at dannychoo.com
** Danny Choo's Otaku side of the Force is strong. I can't imagine how a Stormtrooper has a huge influence of the Force like a Jedi... Ai no Corrida! ^^ **
some danny action here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7X9MQi7uOU
he's a one lucky bastard ^^

Sixth Entry

LOG 6
March 1, 2009

I know it’s Monday, but I’ll fill the log with what happened yesterday, Sunday. Some sub-topics will be present, because there are three major things that stuck on my head… here we go:

1) Sunday Morning

Yesterday was one of the days when I became suddenly nostalgic and remember the past as clearly as watching the laptop screen. Particularly, I became MOST nostalgic of the times when I was 1st grade of high school (or 10th grade). It’s the first time I had to live without my parents around because I continued my study to Jakarta, and my families were still in Bogor. I was really excited and happy, but when it comes to do everything (literally, everything) alone, I feel it’s kinda hard and tough.. To make it worse, my grades aren’t that good: I barely managed to get the minimum achievement score (7.0), and it was also the first time since I’ve known Biology that I scored 7.0. Back when I was junior high in Bogor, I always get above 9.0 in Biology. So I must say that it’s a big, depressing hit for me. Add my lack of social skills and reclusive nature, I feel lonely most of the time.

It all changed on a Sunday morning. “She” came to my life – oops, I mean, came to my room, hands me over a piece of cake, and asked me to celebrate her birthday with the others. “She” is 2 years older than me, was a 3rd grader (12th grader) of a different school from me (my school was an all-boys) and she has the figure of a “good elder sister” though she’s shorter than me. What impressed me most was her personality. She was talkative, brilliant, cheerful, laughs REALLY loud, optimistic, and she always lighten up any gloomy situations. Not to mention that she’s quite beautiful (beauty is a matter of personal preference) and has a nice body, she EATS A LOT. ^^ She eats more than me, who is a big eater at that time (now my portion is about half of what I used to eat – I could eat up to 6 slices of medium-size pan pizza when I was on junior high, now I’m content with 2-3 slices. On the other hand, she can eat a whole large-size pizza. And somehow retains that slender body. I’m jealous!!)

Starting from that Sunday, I often spend my time with her. Just talking, chatting about trivial things, share our experience, laugh at my clumsy and bad jokes, and sometimes the both of us just sit on the couch in silence. I can’t open up myself in other people, hence I can’t talk a lot with others, but I can easily talk, chat, and share from dusk till dawn with her. My feelings for her started to change from respect and admiration, to something else. To cut it short, I loved her.

This is where all problems began. Love always bring trouble. Again, to make it short, I screwed things up and ended my close relationship with her. Not that it went with explosive outburst of anger and fight, but it just ended in silence. On another gloomy Sunday, 2 years since that “first” Sunday, I decided to “end” our close relationship (she ‘loved’ me in a different way: She considered me as her “cute” another little brother - I hate it when somebody considers me as “cute”.) because it’s affecting me too much and I need to be independent (from that Sunday up to the next 8 months I shared ALL my anxiety, fear, and anything else with her – and I always need her to cheer me up, and that’s BAD). Then again, my decision was a bit wrong since I missed her even more and I screw my school further, and finally my scores were that bad that I had to repeat the class. All because I can’t keep my rationality and most importantly, control my feelings.

Now our relationship is just a mere shadow of what it used to be. I didn’t feel the “pain” when I look at her or her photos like I used to feel, sometime after the “gloomy” Sunday. I learn from my mistakes. Now that I know that emotions and love is distractive and destructive, I’ll keep their concentration inside me as low as possible. I will never trust anyone so easily. Patience and objectivity should be a part of me that I must train more. She made me what I am now. Thanks for giving me a really valuable thing to learn, bee. See you soon. Next time we spend another time to chat I will not be your weak, clingy, and foolish “little brother”.

~ I remembered something I made when I was in vain after my “defeat”…
“But things just get so crazy, living life gets hard to do. I would gladly hit the road, get up, and go if I knew, that someday it would lead me back to you. That someday it would lead me back to you. You may not know that maybe all I need. In darkness she is all I see. Come and rest your bones with me. Dying slow on Sunday Morning, and I’ll never want to live.” [adapted from Maroon 5’s Sunday Morning]

2) Sunday Stroll – Spent my afternoon walking down the mall. I just observe anything happened around me. Some of the notable ones are these:
a. Wearing without thinking

Found someone wearing a black T-Shirt with a writing that reads out like this, “FUCK FOR YOUR LOVE”.

Judging by his appearance, his attitude, and the T-Shirt he’s wearing, I can conclude that he’s not a smart or educated person. He seems to be PROUD with his T-Shirt and frequently emphasizes his “FUCK FOR YOUR LOVE” sentence on his T-Shirt to his buddy who looked as dumb as he is, and said the F-word quite a lot.

Literally, the sentence is a total disaster. What does the sentence mean? Unclear. It could mean, “One should FUCK for one’s LOVE”, or “Go to Hell with your Love / I don't care for your Love”, or “FUCK is a thing we should do to get LOVE”, or simply a sentence made by an un-educated person who wants to look cool by acting or trying to speak like western people WITHOUT giving any regard to the meaning. Funny. All human was given a brain, but why is there only so few who uses their brain?

If I could do anything I want at that time, I’d rip his brain off and give it to someone who needs one. Maybe I’ll transplant them to an anenchepalic baby who was born (literally) without brain. The point is, the guy (erranda: read "guy" as "idiot") does not deserve to have a functional brain since he doesn't bother to use it. It's a shame that I couldn't photograph or record a video of the guy and his friend.

b. Never put your car in Valet Parking’s hands

Or at least, never trust your car to Valet Parking in Indonesia. On the way back home, I walked around the parking lot. On the 2nd floor of the parking lot, there’s a reserved area only for Valet Parking. For those who doesn’t familiar with the term, Valet Parking is a kind of service available at malls or clubs, where you can definitely get a parking space to park your car by “lending” your car to the Valet Parking assistant. Just give the keys to the assistant, and he’ll park your car for you. When you’re done shopping, use the Car Call station and he’ll bring you back your car from the parking lot... and also the keys ^^. Sounds quite nice, isn’t it?

Yesterday, I saw MOST of the cars parked on the Valet Parking Area are turned on, and inside, the assistants are using the car’s stereo and air conditioning to relax without the owner’s permission. Some of them even brought their girlfriends INSIDE the car to ENJOY themselves in the luxurious car. They seem oblivious to the fact that the car they were using was NOT their car and they have NO RIGHTS to spend fuel and energy of the car since they DO NOT OWN it. They are supposed to bring the car to the parking space, and then return the car to the rightful owner. They are paid for that, nothing more. By using the car as if the car was theirs, they earned what they DON’T deserve.
Despite the relatively high rate of “accidentally” stolen cars or missing car audio on cars, or the nearly 100% risk of your car being used by the assistant as it was his car, underwent Valet Parking service in Indonesia, a lot of people still use the service. Oh people~

End of LOG 6